It is sad that eating disorders take so many lives. People don't understand and you can't really understand someone with an ED unless you have been through it yourself. It is not always something that you can control. You may think that you can but it ends up controlling you and that is part of why so many women and men die from ED complications each year. Too many have died with too many people ignorant of the illness. People need to understand that it is not a vanity thing. EDs are misunderstood so often. I know how hard it is for friends to be there for someone with an ED but it is just as hard for the person with the ED. I know as I have been both people. I just needed to rant so yeah.

Wishing this Feeling would Go Away

I can't stand it sometimes. I just feel so gross and ugly and fat. I just want to cut off the excess of fat on my body. Chop those body parts off and get rid of them. I hate how I feel. I hate how I look. I can't stand the fact that I am such a fatty. I know that I may not be actually fat but I can't help the way I feel. ED can add on so many pounds and I just wish I could take them all off. I feel like 120 is waaaaay too much for me. I want to be 100, 90, even 80. I can't stand the way I look and I am such a fatty. I eat too much and indulge in things that I do not deserve. I can't look in the mirror because all I will see is the fat. I hate that I feel this way but I cannot help it. I just can't stand to be in my body. I am so fucking fat. I hate how fat I am. My stomach is gross and my thighs are massive. I can poke my stomach and feel the fat. My boobs are too big and my waist too far around. I just want to go work out and collapse from fatigue because then I will be losing weight and will be punished for eating so much. I had such a big dinner and huge lunch. I should not have eaten today. I don't know why I eat so much. It is soooo bad. I fucking feel so fat.

The Day After Thanksgiving

The day after Thanksgiving hasn't been that bad. I've been doing really well (though I haven't been posting much lately, oops). Yesterday was interesting. I never really like Thanksgiving because of all the food. Holidays are the worst. Food is such a central part of American holidays especially in my house. I was so stuffed yesterday and I hate that feeling. I feel like all I do is eat but I know that's not true. Though I am eating well and following my meal plan the thoughts and feelings still haven't gone away. I still look in the mirror and hate what I see. I look fat and ugly. I know that my view is distorted but still it's hard to argue with what I see. A friend said that I was lighter and smaller than most of the girls on his cheer leading team which was nice but I don't see it. I wish that I could just make it all go away but I can't and that is really frustrating. I don't like feeling hungry but my hunger signals are coming back and it's terrifying. Sometimes I just want to give up and go back to my eating disorder because it feels safe but I know that is not true. I know how harmful it is and how bad it is for me but I can't help it. I just want to feel safe and secure and ED promises that.

Changing the Requirements for Anorexia

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brave-girl-eating/201008/shes-not-skinny-is-she

An important read for those who know or have had any dealings with anorexia.

Some Days...

Some days it is really hard, if feels like a battle, because in a sense it is. Everyday is so hard. These thoughts, these feelings, they don't go away. Sometimes I just want to shut them up, other times I really want to listen to them. I do not know if I can keep fighting but every day I try. I try to fight for recovery. But it is draining. It is so hard. I just want to give in sometimes and just stop eating just waste away into nothing.

Meal Record 7/16/10

breakfast:

cereal

milk

Snack:

juice

cereal

milk

Lunch:

cereal

milk

gazpacho

carrots

Dinner:

shrimp and linguine

watermelon

Tough Day

restricting, exercise, going crazy, feeling fat, gross, not doing too well. life sucks, feeling off, i just want to lose weight.

Meal Record 7/15/10

Breakfast:

Cereal w. milk

Toast w. butter

Lunch:

West African Yams

Tofu

Snack:

Cereal w. milk, fat

milk

watermelon

Dinner:

fish

gazpacho

broccoli

juice

Desert:

chocolate mouse

Full, Fat, and Nauseous

Ugh, feel like i'm going to burst. really nauseous. feel like i'm going to throw up. fuck. so full just want to never eat again.

Thoughts that Don't Go Away

Fat, bloated, ugly, gross-thoughts and words flow through my head

Cannot turn off

Cannot shut down

Filled to the brim and uncomfortable

Just wanting to give up,

Throw up

Stop eating

Starve,

Lose weight,

Go home and die.

Jess, Julia and countless others

So many have been taken down eating disorders. It's so bad. I miss these two gorgeous women so much. They brought to much joy to those who knew them. It's so sad that a people should be taken down by something that could be helped. I wish that we could all go back in time and warn our younger selves about the journey we were starting down. Love you my angels!!!!

Food and Feelings I

Does it always have to be this way, food the enemy? Will I always feel the need to be punished for eating? Will certain foods always scare me? Will I always feel the need to exercise after certain foods? Will the need to get out of my skin, out of my body ever really end? I just don't know what to do. Slowly getting my hunger signals back is terrifying. I do not want to feel "hungry". What does it mean to be hungry? Why do I need to feel it? I am not hungry. I can deny myself still. I am very good at denying. Yes I am.

Back to Restricting

Been having a lot of urges and thoughts. It's really hard. I feel like I'm slipping. I started restricting again and I can't get back on track. I feel guilty for eating the little food that I do eat. My stomach is stuffed and I just can't eat.

Meal Record 5/31/10

Breakfast:

Cereal x2

milk x2

cream x2

Snack:

goldfish x2

choc milk

Dinner:

chicken

veggie juice

potato salad

Snack:

Popcorn

Meal Record 5/23/10

Breakfast:

Cereal

Milk

Cream

Lunch:

Shrimp

Pasta

Broccoli

Snack:

Cereal

Milk

Dinner:

Chicken

Potato salad

Snack:

Strawberries and cream

Cereal

Milk

Meal Record 5/22/10

Breakfast:

Cereal x2

Milk x2

Cream x2

Smoothie

Lunch:

2 eggs

1 slice Bread

butter

Snack:

Cheddar Bunnies

Dinner:

Turkey burger

Broccoli

chips

Meal Record 5/29/10

Breakfast:

Cereal x2

milk x2

cream x2

raisins

Lunch:

1 oz Fish

cereal

milk

raisins

Snack:

popped Chips

Dinner:

Meal Record 5/6/10

Breakfast:

1 Waffle

Cereal

Milk

Mocha w/cream

Lunch:

Pizza

lentil stew

Carrots

Tomatoes

Coffee and cream

Dinner:

Salmon

1/2 sl. bread

Miso

Cereal

Milk w/cream

Snack:

Cookies

pretzels

Thoughts on an Evening

Feeling really bad right now. FAT! gross. Went to end of the year dance performance. Everyone was so skinny and small and I felt so gross. I just want to loose weight. I am such a fatty and I can't stand it. I just want to loose weight. I feel like I'm binging all the time. I feel like I'm just eating so much food and I feel really guilty about it. I just want to throw up. I feel really sick and uncomfortable.

Meal Record 5/5/10

Breakfast:

2 pancakes

1 sl. bread w/pb

mocha w/cream

Lunch:

boca burger

carrots

tomatoes

milk

cereal

Dinner:

Tuna melt-2sl. bread, cheese

smoothie

Meal Record 5/4/10

Breakfast:

4 Pancakes

Eggs

Coffee w/cream

Lunch:

Moroccan Lentil Stew

Milk

Dinner:

Egg

Carrot

Milk w/cream

2 pc. bread

Snack:

cereal

pretzels

Meal Record 5/2/10

Brunch:

Tofu Blueberry Pancake

Scrambled Eggs

Cereal and Milk, w/whipped cream

Veggie Mt. Holyoke

Dinner:

Chicken

Carrots

Rice Cake with PB

Cherry Tomatoes

Milk

Snack: Milk

Feelings after a Long Week

It is so hard sometimes to get on with life. The thoughts never go away, they always linger, rising to the surface, causing difficulties. It is so hard to live each day.

Meal Record 4/30/10

Lunch:

Veggie Burger on bun

Brownie

watermelon

Snack:

Strawberry Banana Smoothie

Dinner:

Mashed Sweet Potato

Vegan Ribs

Milk

Meal Record 4/29/10

Breakfast:

1.5 cranberry muffin

Omelet

Mocha w/half and half

Lunch:

Stew

Thia Coconut Chicken

Carrots

Milk

Dinner:

Stew

Bread

Carrots

Milk

Snack:

.5 muffin

Saltines-12