If At First You Don't Succeed....

Try, try again. Well that's what I'm doing. Life keeps throwing curve balls but all I can do it go with it. My anxiety does not make this easy but over the years I have learned some techniques for managing anxiety and I am working with it. Life goes on and it does not wait for you to catch up. Though I do not have a job this summer and only a couple days a week are taken up by my internship I find that this summer has been more stressful than my school year. It seems that I will not get a break. Being "home" is so overwhelming, difficult, frustrating that I found myself going back to my eating disorder, my comfort zone in what seems like a war zone. I know that I cannot handle conflict well. I slipped fairly far back into behaviors before I was ready to ask for help. Unfortunately my first request for help fell on deaf ears so I closed up again until I was at the point where I needed to have ensure to make it through the day. Then I tried again this time going to my old therapist, finally help. Going to her was just what I needed, reassurance that I was not crazy, that nothing in my family had changed in the 3 years I'd been in recovery and dealing with my issues, that of course I was hurting and that it was natural and I did not need to play out my feelings on my body nor take out my anger, fear, frustration with my family on my body. My body is not a war zone. I can be me and I will be me.

Now I can get back to what is important to me. I can read. I can write. I can just be. I can stand up for myself. I will not fight other's battles for them. I will not get involved in my family's conflicts as they are, as my therapist constantly reminds me, not my problem. I will focus on myself and my needs. I will get to know what my body is telling me and listen to it. Most importantly I will heal. On my own and with my friends and real family, those who act as such.

Feelings

Will these feelings ever go away? Will I ever be able to eat without feeling guilty? Will I ever be able to look in a mirror and not cringe? It's been several years and though behaviors are better the thoughts still come and come and come. I get so tired of listening but I can't stop. I just want to be left in peace. Shall I ever be at peace with myself and be able to be happy?

Ice Cream

So having ice cream maybe not the best idea. I'm sick of being ruled by my ED and I love coffee ice cream but now i feel gross. I hate how I feel after eating the stuff. GRRRR

Gym

I really want to work out, the only problem is that I tend to over do it. I really want to work out but I don't want to head downhill again. I really miss being able to work out. I feel fat and gross, disgusting. All I want to do is lose weight but I know I can't do that. I hate my stomach and I hate my legs, I hate my thighs and I hate my chest. My face is fat and my fingers are short. I just want to be skinny and beautiful but I cannot do so. I hate being in my body and just want to rip my skin off. On the outside I look okay but my head is spinning, my thoughts are racing, it won't shut up and I cannot find peace. I just want it to go away and be able to enjoy my life but ED won't let me.

It is sad that eating disorders take so many lives. People don't understand and you can't really understand someone with an ED unless you have been through it yourself. It is not always something that you can control. You may think that you can but it ends up controlling you and that is part of why so many women and men die from ED complications each year. Too many have died with too many people ignorant of the illness. People need to understand that it is not a vanity thing. EDs are misunderstood so often. I know how hard it is for friends to be there for someone with an ED but it is just as hard for the person with the ED. I know as I have been both people. I just needed to rant so yeah.

Wishing this Feeling would Go Away

I can't stand it sometimes. I just feel so gross and ugly and fat. I just want to cut off the excess of fat on my body. Chop those body parts off and get rid of them. I hate how I feel. I hate how I look. I can't stand the fact that I am such a fatty. I know that I may not be actually fat but I can't help the way I feel. ED can add on so many pounds and I just wish I could take them all off. I feel like 120 is waaaaay too much for me. I want to be 100, 90, even 80. I can't stand the way I look and I am such a fatty. I eat too much and indulge in things that I do not deserve. I can't look in the mirror because all I will see is the fat. I hate that I feel this way but I cannot help it. I just can't stand to be in my body. I am so fucking fat. I hate how fat I am. My stomach is gross and my thighs are massive. I can poke my stomach and feel the fat. My boobs are too big and my waist too far around. I just want to go work out and collapse from fatigue because then I will be losing weight and will be punished for eating so much. I had such a big dinner and huge lunch. I should not have eaten today. I don't know why I eat so much. It is soooo bad. I fucking feel so fat.

The Day After Thanksgiving

The day after Thanksgiving hasn't been that bad. I've been doing really well (though I haven't been posting much lately, oops). Yesterday was interesting. I never really like Thanksgiving because of all the food. Holidays are the worst. Food is such a central part of American holidays especially in my house. I was so stuffed yesterday and I hate that feeling. I feel like all I do is eat but I know that's not true. Though I am eating well and following my meal plan the thoughts and feelings still haven't gone away. I still look in the mirror and hate what I see. I look fat and ugly. I know that my view is distorted but still it's hard to argue with what I see. A friend said that I was lighter and smaller than most of the girls on his cheer leading team which was nice but I don't see it. I wish that I could just make it all go away but I can't and that is really frustrating. I don't like feeling hungry but my hunger signals are coming back and it's terrifying. Sometimes I just want to give up and go back to my eating disorder because it feels safe but I know that is not true. I know how harmful it is and how bad it is for me but I can't help it. I just want to feel safe and secure and ED promises that.