If At First You Don't Succeed....

Try, try again. Well that's what I'm doing. Life keeps throwing curve balls but all I can do it go with it. My anxiety does not make this easy but over the years I have learned some techniques for managing anxiety and I am working with it. Life goes on and it does not wait for you to catch up. Though I do not have a job this summer and only a couple days a week are taken up by my internship I find that this summer has been more stressful than my school year. It seems that I will not get a break. Being "home" is so overwhelming, difficult, frustrating that I found myself going back to my eating disorder, my comfort zone in what seems like a war zone. I know that I cannot handle conflict well. I slipped fairly far back into behaviors before I was ready to ask for help. Unfortunately my first request for help fell on deaf ears so I closed up again until I was at the point where I needed to have ensure to make it through the day. Then I tried again this time going to my old therapist, finally help. Going to her was just what I needed, reassurance that I was not crazy, that nothing in my family had changed in the 3 years I'd been in recovery and dealing with my issues, that of course I was hurting and that it was natural and I did not need to play out my feelings on my body nor take out my anger, fear, frustration with my family on my body. My body is not a war zone. I can be me and I will be me.

Now I can get back to what is important to me. I can read. I can write. I can just be. I can stand up for myself. I will not fight other's battles for them. I will not get involved in my family's conflicts as they are, as my therapist constantly reminds me, not my problem. I will focus on myself and my needs. I will get to know what my body is telling me and listen to it. Most importantly I will heal. On my own and with my friends and real family, those who act as such.